I'm a tantric TV watcher…. but 'Rivals' finally has me ready for some (happy) endings...

I am, I must confess, a bit of a tantric TV watcher.  If I come across a TV series that I really love then suddenly I’m all about the joy of delayed gratification – unless it’s a thriller, of course, in which case if I hold out on the final plot twist I really might as well not have bothered at all. And even I’m not into self-denial to that extent. So The Perfect Couple was consumed quickly, almost swallowed down without even chewing – though I’d guessed the end long before it was revealed. I’m also fully up to speed with all things White Lotus and Only Murders in the Building.

But when it comes to a TV show that’s really fun or funny or uplifting or warm and fuzzy then I seem to be able to eke it out the pleasure for months… and months… and months longer than necessary. I’m like Captain and Tennille crooning ‘Do that do to me one more time, once is never enough….’ I don’t want it to end so I don’t let it end at all. I become all about the journey not the big finale. Holding out on completion becomes part and parcel of the enjoyment.

This means that I currently have two episodes of the BBC’s Ghosts still languishing unwatched on iplayer. I have not felt ready to bid adieu to the characters or to see how the writers wrapped everything up – or risk feeling disappointed by their choice of ending. I have yet to polish off, Call My Agent (VO) so full gratification is still on the horizon there. And I’ve never even finished Life on Mars even though oh-my-gosh-I-really-want-to-know-how-it-ends but I just also don’t want the viewing pleasure to be over. I’ve even paused on The Marvellous Mrs Maisel mid series three just to prolong the pleasure of this piece of TV brilliance for just a bit longer, please…

But Rivals. Ah, Rivals. I binge watched that in one sitting, staying up until 3am chortling away and fully engrossed in every plot twist, all the love triangles, the wheeling and dealing, the joy of sets with all those 80s interiors – the good, the bad, and the ugly – the outfits, the media landscape, the soundtrack.  Oh, I didn’t want it to end – and as soon as it did, I was googling to see if season 2 had been commissioned yet. But I also couldn’t divert my eyes, couldn’t bring myself to break away from the sheer rollicking enjoyment of it all.  I couldn’t hit pause on this feel good express, I had to go all the way. And I don’t regret a second of it. In fact, there was something truly delicious in just going with the flow and fully indulging in the high-vis pleasure of it all. And I think, in its own way, it’s been a bit of a core shaker for me.

I have no idea what the official psychological explanation of choosing to hold out on your own pleasure is, of saving the best till…. well, not even the last but more like never, or at least who knows when. Why deny myself, why wait? I’m reminded of something one of my brother’s once said about a hangover he realised he had from our upbringing. He’d realised as he ate dinner with his then girlfriend one evening that she always started with her favourite bits on the plate, gone for the instant enjoyment, whereas he saved all his favourites till the end – when, quite often, he would be too full to savour what he’d been most looking forward to. I’ve always tended more towards his way of eating too, and I realise I also do it with my television watching.

So maybe Rivals is going to serve up another plot twist, one that’s just for me (and perhaps any others practicing a withdrawal method on some of their own life’s pleasures): a change of habit. I think it’s time for me to indulge in some more unadulterated joy of my own, to resist that delayed gratification, pull out more stops, be all in.  Potential plot spoiler here, though I’ll give no names in case that helps, but I feel a certain kinship with the two characters holding back on their obvious passion, desperately trying to be good, to be well-behaved  but living half-lives in the process when we all know what happiness awaits them if they’d just follow their hearts (and loins), follow the passion…… or at least we think we do (I haven’t read the novels so it’s all news to me as to what or who comes next).

Maybe it’s simply that after some big shifts that have happened in my life in the last few years – none of them my choice but all of them seismic - the air is clearing after the fallouts. Perhaps Rivals has nothing to do with it and it’s just happy timing, a kind of rhythm method of life serving up the right time to move forward. But whatever it is, going all in watching that show, letting it build to its climax and going with it full throttle, revelling in the sheer enjoyment and not trying to hold something back for later, Rivals may well have unlocked something in me. Yes, I think it’s time for a few more happy endings of my own.

Ps. all double entendres full intended.

Rivals is available on Disney+